Being a mom is…

As I’m coming up on one year of momming, I’m feeling extra contemplative. This last year has been filled with trials and triumphs, happy tears, sad tears, and just-because tears. It’s been a roller coaster! And, sometimes, I feel like I might not have been tall enough to ride.

Through it all, I’ve learned a lot. So, as I’m exactly two weeks away from my baby girl turning one year old, I wanted to share with all of you what being a mom means to me.

1. Staring at the monitor after she goes to bed.

Even after a long day, I just can’t get enough of her.

2. Not paying attention in class because I can’t stop looking at the picture hubs just sent me of their afternoon at the park

And being SUPER jealous that I couldn’t be there with them!

3. Making sure she’s all bundled and warm and forgetting to put on a shirt before I walk out the door.

As long as she’s okay, I’m okay.

Well… not really. I still need clothes. But, you get the idea!

4. Eating cookies over the kitchen sink.

We’re not letting Norah have sweets until she’s two. That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop! So, yes, I shamelessly hide in the kitchen, eating cookies, so she doesn’t find me.

5. Taking an extra long shower just to get some quiet time alone

There are days that taking a shower is the only time I have when I’m completely alone.

6. Worrying about worrying

Am I worrying too much? Should I let her be more independent? I want to help her and support her, but I want her to be her own person, too! What’s the right balance!

7. Staying up way later than I should to write a blog post because I’m spending way too much time in my own head and this blog is a great outlet

Being a full-time grad student, graduate teaching assistant, wife, and mom is a lot! I love it, don’t get me wrong! But, doing all of that leaves little time for me to things just for me. So, I sacrifice sleep. Some mornings I seriously regret that decision. But, in the end, clearing my mind and taking care of me always ends up being a good thing.

8. Feeling guilty for being gone and even more so for needing *alone* time when I’m home

I spend a lot of time out of the house between teaching, classes, and office hours. I hate that when I come home after a long day of missing my baby girl that I’m just grumpy and tired and just want to be alone for a little bit.

(Confession: I sometimes take a quick shower after dinner to clear my head and recharge from my day).

I do miss her. I miss her every second I’m away from her! But… I’m so tired… It’s a constant, guilt-filled struggle.

9. Singing lyrics to children’s songs out loud randomly throughout the day and not caring or feeling the need to explain.

Yes, I randomly sing children’s songs. No, I’m not sorry.

10. Trying so hard to find the balance between making my family my whole world and still having my own life.

My family is the most important thing in the world to me. They are the reason I do everything I do. But, I very much believe I still need to have my own life. I need to be my own person. One day, Norah is going to grow up. What then? Who will I be?

I’m not going to wait until she’s 18 to find out. I’m going to keep being me now, so when that day comes, I’m ready!

11. Doing the best I can and still wondering if it’s enough.

I don’t think I need to explain this one…

12. Finally understanding what true love really means

Everyone always said, you will never love anything the way you love your children. They were right! I can’t explain it. It’s the most all-consuming thing I’ve ever felt.

13. And also understanding what tired, proud, and happy mean on a whole new level!

I’m so tired and so happy at the same time. College-aged me wouldn’t have understood how those two things could ever go hand-in-hand! But, if you’re a parent, you get it.

I’m also prouder than I’ve ever been before in my life. I have two masters. I’ve lived abroad. I’ve done a lot of great things in my life.Nothing. All of that is nothing compared to watching my baby girl learn and explore and become the amazing little human she is becoming.

The way her face lights up when she does something and I get excited about it… that pride she feels in herself for doing something new? I feel that pride deeper than any pride I’ve ever felt for anything I’ve done in my 30+ years of life.

I’m not proud because she’s my baby and I made her and I’m raising her. I’m genuinely proud FOR her! It’s the strangest feeling. I can’t explain it any other way. But if you have a baby, you know.

6 thoughts on “Being a mom is…

  1. I had tears in my eyes by the time I reached the end of this post. Even though I was just a mom and all I had to do was be mommy to my baby, it was still overwhelming to the extent that when my daughter turned a year old I went to live with my parents and in-laws because I just couldn’t manage things on my own anymore. Hubby had to live here all by himself for 7 long months. Anyways you are juggling a job + education + motherhood , so I wonder how you are holding it all together. More power to you dear friend for being such a wonderful mother despite everything in your life. Each and every point in this post is relatable with almost all the mothers of the world. We all spend an extra minute in the shower because that’s an escape when things become too much. We all skip sleep just to finish things. We all hide sweets and snack ’em up. Keep writing because your posts are hearttouching 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel this so much! Even though my son’s only 4 months I can relate to you SO much. He just had his first sleepover at grandma’s because I just needed a night of sleep.. well I was up most of the night worried anyways and couldn’t BELIEVE how much I missed him once I finally picked him up. And the shower thing- OH MY GOD. I actually watch YouTube videos in the shower just to catch up on them because I never have time to otherwise! 😂 talk about “me time” multitasking

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha I know it sounds weird but it’s the only time I have time to catch up on my subscriptions 😂 I actually just wrote a post about finding time for self care.. you gotta get creative! Lol

        Liked by 1 person

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