It’s easier to be away than it is to be home.
There, I said it. I hate that it’s true, but it is. I don’t mean it in the way you’re thinking.
I don’t mean I’d rather be out in the grown up world than at home with my baby. I don’t mean that I prefer working to changing diapers. Some people do. And that’s great. We need people who love to work and live for their jobs.
I’m just not one of them.
What I mean when I say it’s easier to be at work than it is to be home is that it’s easier to be there because I have to be there.
I’m not doing a great job of explaining myself. Here… let me try this again.
When I’m at work, I’m at work. I’m busy and I get to chat with my coworkers and lose myself in my job. I’m who I was before I had a baby. I do the same job, talk to the same people… it’s easy to slip back into that person that I used to be. But, when I’m at home, I realize I’m not that person anymore. I’m a mom that hasn’t been home with her baby. I’ve missed something. It’s not like I’ve missed her first laugh or the first time she rolled over. But, still, I missed something. I missed her day. I missed reading to her, and taking her on a walk. I missed snuggling with her and talking to her.
I don’t realize I’m missing those things when I’m at work. But being home makes is so evident. It makes my heart hurt. It makes me want to stay with her forever and never leave. But, I have to. I have to go to work.
And so the cycle continues.
The weekends seem to be the hardest. I think it’s because I’m not home with her during the day 5 days a week, so when I am I don’t know what to do. I want to just hold her, love her, feed on demand, let her sleep in my arms. But I can’t. It’s not her schedule. And we need her schedule to work. It has to work so I can work.
So, yes. It’s easier to just be at work. While I’m there, I’m not flooded with guilt. I’m not sad and frustrated. I’m simply at work. It’s when I get home that all those horrible feelings slap me in the face and punch me square in the heart.
I need to move past it. I know. I need to enjoy the time with her that I have. I shouldn’t spend this time worrying about the time I’m away. I need to be here when I’m here.
This is my latest challenge and my working mom confession. Don’t judge me, please.
At least I have my entire workspace dedicated to my babygirl!!