I’ve been back at work for a total of 12 hours. Twelve hours accumulated over three days spread out across a week and a half. It’s not a lot, I know. I’m transitioning back to work slowly. I’ll be going back full time in the beginning of May.
But, still! I hate being away from my baby. Twelve hours might as well be 12,000! The prospect of being gone ten hours a day, five days a week is weighing on me big time.
I’m not worried about how she’ll handle it. She has her daddy who will be staying home with her. She’ll be fine.
I’m worried about me!
How It’s Gone So Far
The first two days I was at work (for four hours each) my baby girl wouldn’t eat! She refused to take a bottle. So, that was nice and stressful. It was definitely worse for my hubby who had to deal with her screaming.
Of course, missing her 9:30 feeding means that her schedule was thrown off the rest of the day. We had to work in extra feedings (more like little “snackings”) to make up for the missed calories. She still ended up waking up more frequently in the middle of the night, though. I think the whole thing just threw her off.
For me, it wasn’t that bad. I hated leaving her. And, whenever I thought about her while I was at work, my heart hurt a little bit. But, I’m not going to lie… It was nice being back out in the “adult” world. I enjoyed having adult conversations and using my brain for more than keeping track of feedings and diaper changes.
Getting up an hour earlier than I’ve gotten used to was difficult. And trying to work feeding Norah into my already rusty work-day routine was interesting. It’s definitely going to take a little getting used to.
My husband has been a champ in the fathering field. He loves our little girl so much. It warms my heart. They have fun together. They nap, read, play. It’s adorable! I know he’ll do great staying home with her this summer. He’s excited about it! And I’m excited for them.
Thoughts Going Forward
We’ve been working with Norah on the bottle issue. It’s strange because she used to take a bottle with no problems! She hates it now, though. We have tried three different bottles and found one that she’ll take sometimes. Hubs has found that she’ll take a little (about 2oz) before she gets angry. That’s not enough to fill her up, though, and an hour or so later, she’s extra fussy and refusing to take the bottle again.
How does this make me feel?
I have mixed emotions about it! I know, I should want her to take the bottle. I should want her to be fed. A fed baby is a happy baby.
BUT. BUT. BUT… I love that she needs me. SUPER SELFISH, RIGHT?! I hate myself for feeling this way. But, I can’t help it. I’m afraid that when she starts taking the bottle regularly, we’ll lose the connection we have. Am I being silly?
Of course, I’m fully supportive of bottle feeding and helping my hubby think of things to do to encourage her to eat. It just makes me sad, I suppose.
Another thing I’m afraid of–What if she forgets me?
I did the math. I’ll only spend three hours a day with her five days of the week. THREE! Yes, we’ll have weekends. But, that still feels like so little. I’ve spent every waking hour with her for the last two months. To cut that down by so much makes me sad and nervous. Honestly, what if she forgets me?!
I’m not saying I want to be a stay-at-home mom. Yes, it would be great! I wouldn’t mind it. But, I also don’t mind going to work. Like I said, I enjoy getting out of the house and being around people who can communicate with more than short burst of sounds and cries. But TEN HOURS A DAY? It’s too much. I wouldn’t mind part-time. But, that’s just not an option for us right now.
Me NEEDING to go back to work isn’t a permanent thing for us. In a couple months, Hubs will be teaching again, and we won’t be dependent on my income.
We have savings. And, we could probably survive the next couple months living off of that. But, should we?
Is the money I’m going to make really worth the time I’m going to miss with my baby girl? Is saving money a huge priority? In 15 years, will we look back and think, “man, that money (which honestly isn’t that much) really made all the difference”? I doubt it.
I’m going to go back to work full time. I am. I’m just dreading it. How do you other working mamas do it? Am I alone with my worries and selfish thoughts?